I have not written on my blog or anywhere else for quite a while. In fact, I was surprised to learn that this site was still active. That’s how long it’s been! Thank goodness for auto renewal, I guess!
It’s been a long season of grief, depression, a lot of anger and quite frankly – all was not well with my soul. Maybe that is why I avoided the blog.
I know what brain fog is and what it means to not be able to get outside of your own head. I felt like I was stuck in the mud and not able to get out – no matter how hard I tried.
It seemed like the harder that I worked, the farther away I got from my goals. The farther away I got from God. There seemed to be a barrier around every corner.
I was pretty sure that although I didn’t know what a mental breakdown felt like, I was going to have one.
Don’t misunderstand, I wasn’t curled up in bed in a fetal position, although I wanted to be. Life went on around me and I just kept doing what needed to be done. It was so hard!
I could go on a rant and list all of the injustices, frustrations and negativity in my life during the past months, but what good would that do? I was raised to pull yourself back up and move on. I’m guessing that a lot of you were too. You tuck away emotions and anger for the good of the cause only to be left feeling unloved, rejected and devalued?
Some call it perseverance, tenacity or grit. Some might say it’s an attitude or a spirit of that won’t allow me to give up.
I thought, on some level that everything that I did must be a calling, but I think that made me even angrier.
How could God allow my life to be this challenging? Why am I working so hard? I remember praying “God, I’m so tired, please help me!” And He has, but then a friend asked me if I felt I was under spiritual attack. I hadn’t thought about it, but yes!
Even as I write this, I feel very vulnerable. “What will people think?” keeps running through my mind.
But as I was reading, researching and praying, I found a blog post by Susan Nelson on her blog: Woman of Noble Character. ( https://www.womanofnoblecharacter.com/armor-god-women/) “If you are a living, breathing human, (and I can be pretty certain that you are if you are reading this post!), you are going to experience spiritual warfare and face the evil one at times during your life. Satan makes it his business to try to thwart us from living our lives for God. He wants nothing more than to hinder us from fulfilling God’s plan for our lives.”
But today I feel like I’m healing. My mind is clear and ideas are flowing for the first time in months. Even in the midst of all the uncertainty that is happening around us with Covid-19, I’m healing.
I know I was made for more than to be stuck in the pain, anger and depression that I had been living. Somewhere deep in my soul, I know that my purpose is to share God’s love for His people through my writing.
I will not live in fear or walk in shame any longer. I am made for more.
I was not having a nervous breakdown, it was more of an awakening.
So I am committing myself to a blog post at least once a week. I hope you will share in my journey of purpose.