Have you ever really wanted to cry, but you’re so tired, hurt, angry or all of the above that you’re afraid that if you start, you won’t be able to stop? That is how I feel this morning – except I couldn’t hold it in any longer and deep sobs ensued.
I could give you a laundry list of the various things that are not going well today, but in short: kidney stone (again), hard fall in the muddy lot ending with cow manure in my ear, sick cow and did I mention I’m exhausted?
Months of twice-a-day trips to the farm in the midst of calving and caring for the animals, twelve-plus hour work days at my paid job with a lot of evenings in the last couple weeks, deadlines for grants and projects, meetings – the list goes on.
This morning found me in prayer searching for answers. I feel as if God has told me on multiple occasions that I don’t have to do everything on my own.
“Pray when you feel like worrying. Give thanks when you feel like complaining. Keep going when you feel like quitting.” – DaveWillis.org
Unfortunately, I don’t learn quickly. Often my side of the conversation goes something like this:
“Okay God. I got it this time. Okay. Okay I understand. But God, when I forget will you remind me?”
“To persevere in the day-to-day demonstrates our trust in God who will not only sustain us but empower us to thrive in this life.” – Alyssa Howard
I want to thrive. I want to be a woman of God. But (and it is a really big but) I don’t know how. Wait, that’s not true. I know the basics, but I have to give up some things and move outside of my comfort zone to accomplish it.
A couple of weeks ago I spent some time with a life coach. Even though I hold a master’s degree in counseling, it never occurred to me that I would need someone to talk with, so it was a stretch for me to make the appointment. But I felt like I had sucked the life out of all my friends recanting my tales of gloom.
As a result of talking out my frustrations with a stranger, I have never felt more heard. She reminded me that it is normal to “feel the feeling but don’t become the emotion. Witness it. Allow it. Release it.” – Crystal Andrus
It was also a reminder that “You can be comfortable or courageous. But not both.” – Unknown
My coach suggested that I purchase her $5,000 program to get well (which I won’t be doing), and that I need to have some accountability.
“Be courageous,” she told me.
Courageous like Liz Curtis Higgs. She is a Christian author that spoke in Omaha on Friday night. My someday sister-in-law and new accountability partner Keri and I had the opportunity to spend some time together and then hear Higgs teach about endless hope.
She spoke about fear and lies we tell ourselves. Her message was funny but profound and honest. However, it was not until later that I saw her courage. She took off her wig and spoke of her journey with cancer.
I don’t want to draw comparisons, but if she can travel across the country speaking God’s truth while undergoing chemotherapy, surely I can be brave enough to do what I need to do to thrive – after I clean the mud out of my ear.
Who’s with me?